Screenwriting: Show don't Tell

Lesson to self! (And anyone else who is interested of course).

I'm always being told to 'Show don't Tell', so today I'm going to compare a snippet of the 'Stranger Things' pilot script with a piece from 'The Slugs of Doom'! What do the Duffer brothers do that makes their script work so well?

Creepy house silhouette

Excerpt from the Slugs of Doom

Excerpt from Stranger Things pilot

Ok. So the main thing that strikes me is that my script is very dense and wordy. The Stranger Things excerpt isn't. It is very sparing. Lots of short phrases that paint pictures of what can be seen, heard, felt by Will.

Both of these scenes are meant to be scary with a sense of something ominous about to happen. I say it in a paragraph. The Duffer brothers put it in a few words.

That's what I've tried to with my excerpt, first attempt here.

A little less wordy excerpt from Slugs of Doom

I only did the part after the helicopter lands and reduced words from 90 to 67. Could do better and will try later.