Revised script. This is so last year I know, but after having some fun with Ai turning it into a Gilbert & Sullivan musical, an episode of Yes Minister, Dr Who and various other styles, I decided it worked best as a screenplay, similar to the original I wrote last year. So here are Ant, Dec and a motley crew of politicians for you. (No Ai in this version either!)
EXT. OUTSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET - NIGHT
ANT and DEC stand outside the front door grinning widely at
the audience. It is evening and there are many lights on in
no 10 illuminating the area, like a stage.
ANT
And so we embark on our latest
show.
DEC
Which has absolutely nothing to do
with dumbing down.
ANT
Or making cuts to the BBC’s budget.
Ant and Dec look at each other and shake their heads gravely.
DEC
No, no, no, no, no.
ANT
We’ll be going to the very seat of
power in this country and asking
the questions you want the answers
to but haven’t had a hope in hell
of getting - until now.
DEC
Yes. Welcome to I’m sorry we hadn’t
a clue.
There is mass canned clapping.
Ant rings the doorbell of number 10, which plays a snippet of
the theme tune of radio show ‘I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue’.
The door opens and a cat shoots out mewing. Barking is coming
from just inside. A dog’s face appears in the doorway.
CARRIE (OFF SET)
Dilyn, Dilyn, Stop that you naughty
boy.
The barking doesn’t stop, but it gets fainter as the dog is
yanked away from the doorway.
Ant and Dec grin a little nervously.
ANT
See you on the other side.
Another light turns on in a downstairs room of no 10 and the
dog can be heard barking from there, as an interior door
slams shut.
Dec peers in the front door, decides the coast is clear and
walks through the door followed by Ant.
INT. CABINET ROOM OF NO. 10 - NIGHT
A long, polished grand table fills the room. On it are water
jugs and glasses. Behind it on the walls are portraits of
previous PMs and grandees. There is also a portrait of Hugh
Grant.
A couple of lecterns are on one side of the room. Three
cameras are positioned around the room, but it isn’t clear if
they are being operated remotely or not.
Sitting at the table are three high ranking ministers, the
Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, the chancellor Rishi Sunak and
Nadine Dorries. There are a few empty chairs, including one
beside Nadine. The ministers are dressed as they would be for
a day in parliament
A young man wheels a trolley in through a doorway, airline
style, stopping by Boris Johnson to let him select a tipple.
He points to a bottle of red wine from the display. The young
man nods, pours a little into a glass then grabs the bottle
as Trolley man tries to put it back on the trolley. Boris
sticks it on the table. Rishi looks horrified and whispers in
Boris’s ear as he points out the cameras in the room.
Boris chuckles and pushes the bottle under the table. Rishi
shakes his head and pours himself a glass of water. Nadine
takes 3 miniature bottles of gin and pours them into her
water glass.
The door opens again and in walks Dominic Cummings. He is
wearing jeans and a hoodie. He grins nastily at the ministers
and Boris’s jaw drops open. He has a few gulps of wine.
As he passes trolley man he grabs of maltesers, then sits
next to Nadine, exchanging sour looks.
DOMINIC CUMMINGS
Hey, lets get this show on the road
shall we? There’s a lot to pack
into thirty minutes .
Dom throws a malteser in the air and catches it in his mouth.
Trolley guy exits as Ant and Dec enter to huge canned
applause.
2.
Ant and Dec wave at the camera and then move to the lecterns
from where they conduct the show. Ant’s lectern wobbles and
his notes fall on the floor. He picks them up.
ANT
Hugh Grant didn’t have this problem
when he was prime minister did he.
Everyone in the room stares at Ant. Nadine bristles.
NADINE DORRIES
Why is Hugh Grant’s portrait up
there by the way?
Boris looks round with a confused expression and scratches
his head. He mouths something at Rishi, who ignores him as he
is looking at Ant about to answer Nadine. Ant laughs. Boris
surreptitiously pours himself another glass of wine from the
bottle on the floor.
ANT
Well he is our best known prime
minister isn’t he.
NADINE DORRIES
What are you talking about? He’s
just an actor. It was a film.
Fictitious.
ANT
Hmm
NADINE DORRIES
You can’t just come in here and
stick fake PMs up around the room.
It’s not on. It’s deceiving the
people. Our people, the great
British public who elected us.
DOMINIC CUMMINGS
So, it’s a lie? That’s unusual
around here.
There is a burst of canned laughter.
DEC
Hugh Grant is the country’s most
popular prime minister, whatever
you may think. That speech he gave
knocking back the American
president was good stuff.
NADINE DORRIES
It was a script!
3.
ANT
And the dance. Just loved it.
Boris finishes his drink. He looks very uncomfortable.
BORIS
So who do you have to screw around
here to get another drink?
The trolley comes in again pushed by the young man. Everyone
looks at Boris, who is signalling for another bottle of wine.
DEC
Let’s get this show in the can
guys. Are we ready?
There are nods all round. Dec listens to his ear piece and
laughs.
DEC (CONT’D)
Cameras are live, apparently. Let’s
go. And action.
The End