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We're sorry They Hadn't a Clue

Revised script. This is so last year I know, but after having some fun with Ai turning it into a Gilbert & Sullivan musical, an episode of Yes Minister, Dr Who and various other styles, I decided it worked best as a screenplay, similar to the original I wrote last year. So here are Ant, Dec and a motley crew of politicians for you. (No Ai in this version either!)




EXT. OUTSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET - NIGHT

ANT and DEC stand outside the front door grinning widely at

the audience. It is evening and there are many lights on in

no 10 illuminating the area, like a stage.

ANT

And so we embark on our latest

show.

DEC

Which has absolutely nothing to do

with dumbing down.

ANT

Or making cuts to the BBC’s budget.

Ant and Dec look at each other and shake their heads gravely.

DEC

No, no, no, no, no.

ANT

We’ll be going to the very seat of

power in this country and asking

the questions you want the answers

to but haven’t had a hope in hell

of getting - until now.

DEC

Yes. Welcome to I’m sorry we hadn’t

a clue.

There is mass canned clapping.

Ant rings the doorbell of number 10, which plays a snippet of

the theme tune of radio show ‘I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue’.

The door opens and a cat shoots out mewing. Barking is coming

from just inside. A dog’s face appears in the doorway.

CARRIE (OFF SET)

Dilyn, Dilyn, Stop that you naughty

boy.

The barking doesn’t stop, but it gets fainter as the dog is

yanked away from the doorway.

Ant and Dec grin a little nervously.

ANT

See you on the other side.

Another light turns on in a downstairs room of no 10 and the

dog can be heard barking from there, as an interior door

slams shut.

Dec peers in the front door, decides the coast is clear and

walks through the door followed by Ant.

INT. CABINET ROOM OF NO. 10 - NIGHT

A long, polished grand table fills the room. On it are water

jugs and glasses. Behind it on the walls are portraits of

previous PMs and grandees. There is also a portrait of Hugh

Grant.

A couple of lecterns are on one side of the room. Three

cameras are positioned around the room, but it isn’t clear if

they are being operated remotely or not.

Sitting at the table are three high ranking ministers, the

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, the chancellor Rishi Sunak and

Nadine Dorries. There are a few empty chairs, including one

beside Nadine. The ministers are dressed as they would be for

a day in parliament

A young man wheels a trolley in through a doorway, airline

style, stopping by Boris Johnson to let him select a tipple.

He points to a bottle of red wine from the display. The young

man nods, pours a little into a glass then grabs the bottle

as Trolley man tries to put it back on the trolley. Boris

sticks it on the table. Rishi looks horrified and whispers in

Boris’s ear as he points out the cameras in the room.

Boris chuckles and pushes the bottle under the table. Rishi

shakes his head and pours himself a glass of water. Nadine

takes 3 miniature bottles of gin and pours them into her

water glass.

The door opens again and in walks Dominic Cummings. He is

wearing jeans and a hoodie. He grins nastily at the ministers

and Boris’s jaw drops open. He has a few gulps of wine.

As he passes trolley man he grabs of maltesers, then sits

next to Nadine, exchanging sour looks.

DOMINIC CUMMINGS

Hey, lets get this show on the road

shall we? There’s a lot to pack

into thirty minutes .

Dom throws a malteser in the air and catches it in his mouth.

Trolley guy exits as Ant and Dec enter to huge canned

applause.

2.

Ant and Dec wave at the camera and then move to the lecterns

from where they conduct the show. Ant’s lectern wobbles and

his notes fall on the floor. He picks them up.

ANT

Hugh Grant didn’t have this problem

when he was prime minister did he.

Everyone in the room stares at Ant. Nadine bristles.

NADINE DORRIES

Why is Hugh Grant’s portrait up

there by the way?

Boris looks round with a confused expression and scratches

his head. He mouths something at Rishi, who ignores him as he

is looking at Ant about to answer Nadine. Ant laughs. Boris

surreptitiously pours himself another glass of wine from the

bottle on the floor.

ANT

Well he is our best known prime

minister isn’t he.

NADINE DORRIES

What are you talking about? He’s

just an actor. It was a film.

Fictitious.

ANT

Hmm

NADINE DORRIES

You can’t just come in here and

stick fake PMs up around the room.

It’s not on. It’s deceiving the

people. Our people, the great

British public who elected us.

DOMINIC CUMMINGS

So, it’s a lie? That’s unusual

around here.

There is a burst of canned laughter.

DEC

Hugh Grant is the country’s most

popular prime minister, whatever

you may think. That speech he gave

knocking back the American

president was good stuff.

NADINE DORRIES

It was a script!

3.

ANT

And the dance. Just loved it.

Boris finishes his drink. He looks very uncomfortable.

BORIS

So who do you have to screw around

here to get another drink?

The trolley comes in again pushed by the young man. Everyone

looks at Boris, who is signalling for another bottle of wine.

DEC

Let’s get this show in the can

guys. Are we ready?

There are nods all round. Dec listens to his ear piece and

laughs.

DEC (CONT’D)

Cameras are live, apparently. Let’s

go. And action.

The End


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