Sunday, 18 October 2015
PH and the Secret of the Missing Equilibrium
"This is not just an M and S food hamper. This is an M and S extra special secret agent hamper, containing all you need for a good week's spying and espionage activities.
Angela took out the chocolate box that Carolyn had had her eye on. "This for example contains not chocolates but explosive devices that can be used to open doors -although, it is not intended for when you've lost your keys at 4 am". She appeared to be glaring at Kate, Emily, Nigel, James and assorted Chris's at this point, who had celebrated their first night in Kalkan quite loudly the night before...
Suzanne took over, showing the staff one of the champagne bottles. "These extraordinary devices serve 3 functions, Firstly, you will notice that the cork is quite long. This is because it isn't just a cork, it's 3 extra-special cork bullets that can be used in times of emergency. You can also unscrew the cork and your bottle can then be turned into a telescope with 3 simple moves". More Russian gymnast than English runner at this point Suzanne performed her routine at lightning speed and 30 seconds later the champagne bottle looked like this.
"The third function of these champagne bottles is to provide essential hydration here in Turkey. It can get pretty hot here." The staff nodded, they had noticed this tendency. "These bottles contain the finest champagne, but it has been genetically modified so that it will hydrate you, keeping you healthy and happy for hours - all good, no bad side effects!" Suzanne took a swig and demonstrated how great if made her feel with a quick handspring and one and a half twist sumersault into the infinity pool.
When she came up (scoring 8.7 - shame about the bent leg) she signalled to Angela to carry on. There was a gasp as Angela opened a tin of chocolate biscuits and produced the most unexpected item so far from the picnic hamper. It was an M and S extra special snorkel set, in dark green with matching fins. "Tomorrow, you will be taught how to use this device. Until then rest, relax - go out for dinner. Enjoy yourself in Kalkan. For who knows what tomorrow will bring."
2/3 cup tomato juice
Slug of vodka*, depending on strength of drink
1 teaspoon prepared horseradish
6 shakes Tabasco Sauce
teaspoon of Worcestershire Sauce
Juice of 1/2 large lime (or medium lemon)
Salt and pepper to taste
A few sips of this and you'll be raring to go. Not only that but you'll find yourself trying on those fake leopard skin shorts or bikini bottoms that you'd shuddered at only an hour before - and chucking them in your suitcase along with a voucher for cut-price paragliding off the Taurus mountains. Well, maybe not...
The Kalkan Kiss Maybe you're wondering what on earth you're doing going on holiday when the roof needs fixing and the cat keeps being sick down the stairs. Perhaps you should cancel it and put the money towards a new drainpipe.
A measure of tequila
small measure of white creme de cacao
small measure of reduced fat double cream
a little chambord
a few white chocolate flakes
a few raspberries for decoration
Mix all the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker for about 15 seconds, then pour into a cocktail glass, chilled and rimmed with the chocolate flakes. Decorate with raspberries. (these could be part of your 5 a day and are very good for you). Once you've enjoyed your first Kalkan Kiss you'll be ready for romance. And Kalkan has to be one of the most romantic places in all the world. Who needs new drainpipes anyway!